If you ask your friends:
Who desires love more, men or women?
Many people will say: women.
But 《Scientific American》 recently published an article titled: 《Men Actually Crave Romantic Relationships More Than Women Do》, which is shocking at first glance, contrary to our usual belief:
Women’s obsession with romantic love takes center stage in countless magazine articles and romantic comedies, while media targeting men rarely focus on romantic relationships.
Romantic relationships are often considered more important to women than to men (Hyde et al., 2009).
But a growing body of psychological research tells a different story————
Men are more dependent on their partners for emotional support and intimacy than women.
Based on more than 50 studies on relationships between men and women, researchers from Humboldt University of Berlin, University of Minnesota, and others found that:
Compared with women, men benefit more from relationships, including psychological and physical health, and therefore work harder to find a partner;
Single men are less happy than single women, regardless of their Eastern or Western cultural background;
Men are less likely to initiate a breakup, are less able to withstand the emotional stress of a breakup, and suffer more from the breakdown of a relationship;
Because of all of the above, men 「need」 romantic relationships more than we think, and are more dependent on relationships because they may be their only source of emotional support.
Why are men in this situation?
01
Boys: 「Don’t cry」
Psychologist Avrum Weiss has nearly 40 years of experience working with men, and in his consulting room, he has discovered a truth that is often overlooked:
Men actually have rich emotional inner lives and deep intimacy needs.
Beneath the surface toughness, men struggle with the same emotions as women, such as insecurity, self-doubt, and fear.
But due to their emotional stunting, they simply can’t process these feelings.
The reason for this is the shaping of our 「gender roles」 by social norms. Researchers believe that boys and girls go through different socialization processes from childhood and are 「shaped」 into different ways of expressing emotions and norms of intimacy with others (Eagly & Wood, 2012).
Society generally associates intimacy, support, and nurturing behaviors with feminine traits. Women are encouraged to develop broader networks of intimacy and care, while men are told to be 「masculine」 and avoid expressing vulnerability and relying on others (Taylor et al., 2000).
One study found that 3-year-old boys who were described as caring and affectionate were rated less likable by American adults than boys who had typically masculine traits (Blakemore, 2003).
Parents are more likely to discuss sadness and emotions with daughters and encourage them to express emotions, but are more likely to punish or ignore similar behavior in sons (Fivush et al., 2000).
As a result, men prevent themselves from identifying, expressing, or sharing feelings other than anger.
Culturally enforced norms 「are equivalent to asking men and boys to disconnect from their hearts, and this mechanism operates from childhood」, said Michael Reichert, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania.
The result of this 「social norm」 is that it is difficult for men to establish deep, emotionally supportive relationships outside of romantic relationships, and they are more dependent on future partners to fill this emotional gap (Wahring, 2024).
Studies have found that men refer to their romantic partners as their primary confidants more often than women, and they also fall in love more frequently and faster than women, and confess their love earlier in the relationship (Liao et al., 2018; Umberson et al., 1996; Ackerman et al., 2011; Zsok et al., 2017).
The emotional suppression that has been disciplined since childhood has forced men to face overwhelming loneliness, and intimate relationships have become the “antidote” to their over-dependence: romantic partners seem to be the only people they can turn to for help.
In their view, no one outside of an intimate relationship can catch them anymore, and asking anyone for help seems unsafe.
02
Men should be 「masculine」
In his book 《The Value of Emotions》, British writer Ross Hackman devoted a whole chapter to discussing how men are victimized by the 「male framework」 and deprived of their innate abilities and rights in 「emotional intelligence, empathy or emotional literacy」.
I believe everyone is more familiar with another term for the 「male framework」:
Toxic masculinity.
It refers to a rigid set of rules of behavior and character:
If men want their status as 「real men」 to remain secure and unquestioned, they need to follow these rules.
Citing a 2017 study conducted in the United States, the United Kingdom, and Mexico, which surveyed more than 1,000 young men, Hackman defined the 「male framework」 as a combination of seven elements, at least four of which (self-reliance, toughness, sexual ability, and decision-making power) emphasized the 「masculine」 qualities of men.
These 「dogmas」 deeply influence the behavior of boys and men and their understanding of 「how men should behave」.
Three-quarters of men in the survey agreed with the statement: 「Society has taught me that men should act strong even when they are scared or nervous inside.」
Society actively trains men not only to understand and manage their emotions, but also to demonstrate strength or aggression by forcing them to do so. Any emotion other than this is not socially acceptable.
The boys were taught the following code of conduct:
If they want to be seen as men, as men’s men, they should be aggressive and have no problem invading others.
This leads to a lose-lose outcome: 「Not only does it put women at risk, it harms men as well. It dehumanizes men, casts a shadow over an entire gender, and puts them at risk,」 Hackman writes in the book.
In fact, Hackman believes that the social system operates under the rigid rules of 「patriarchy」, which is costly and has a huge price.
Not to mention the harm to women, the results are also terrible for men:
- Traditional expectations of men being strong and independent make them more likely to feel isolated and helpless, leading to a higher risk of depression and higher suicide mortality rates;
- Men are also more likely to take on dangerous or violent social roles and are therefore sent to war and prison, resulting in higher mortality rates or psychological trauma (Addis, 2003; Canetto, 1998; Kimmel, 1994).
Hackman noted that women have spent decades challenging traditional notions of femininity and breaking down barriers to rights, but men haven’t been engaged in similar struggles.
Therefore, the solution also lies with men.
If men are allowed to express only a small subset of emotions—dominance, aggression, competitiveness,
risk-taking—they are stripped of the necessary ingredients for a fulfilling, healthy life that connects them to others.
03
Men shouldn’t ask for help
The first of the seven elements of 「masculinity」 mentioned above is “self-reliance”: men should not rely on others emotionally or physically. Society generally believes that men should solve problems independently, and asking for help is a sign of weakness.
This also exacerbates the stigma men feel about 「seeking help」. It has been reported that, despite having similar levels of stress, men are on average less likely to seek mental health services than women and have more negative attitudes (Pederson & Vogel, 2007).
Professor of Psychiatry Möller-Leimkühler pointed out in a commentary————
Many men may be less likely to seek psychological help for issues such as depression because traditional masculine norms encourage them to suppress or deny problems,
Some symptoms of depression may be masked by other expressions that are considered more appropriate for men (i.e., anger, aggression, and hostility).
Because men are often discouraged from expressing their emotions (a core component of many mental health treatments), the act of seeking help can represent a loss of status and autonomy for men (Möller-Leimkühler, 2002).
Both men and women experience high levels of stigma when it comes to seeking professional psychological help, but on average, men perceive higher levels of stigma than women (Vogel et al., 2007).
04
Final Thoughts
This situation is likely to get worse in the near future.
Niobe Way, a professor of developmental psychology at New York University, observed this phenomenon in his book 《Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection》:
In a culture that worships 「masculinity」, boys are taught from an early age that 「needing friendship is weak and childish.」
In order to show 「maturity」, they can only suppress their emotions and dare not express their desire for friendship.
Girls face a different kind of pressure. In order to be the 「popular girl」, they stop expressing their feelings and even sacrifice themselves in relationships.
In 「boy culture」, girls sacrifice themselves and boys give up their friends. It turns everything into binary oppositions and turns interpersonal relationships into 「either me or you」.
But a truly healthy relationship is, 「How do we build a relationship where neither of us has to sacrifice ourselves?」
Hackman finally constructs a beautiful picture of the future in the book:
If you want to understand the male psychology, you must be willing to see through the emotional barriers they build and see the full humanity behind them.
Just as feminism helped women express their authentic selves, we also need a new masculinity movement to help men break free from oppressive gender norms.
Only then can all people live emotionally complete, connected lives.
