After PUA, NPD has become a new popular psychological term. With the popularity of several variety shows, it seems that everyone is surrounded by a few NPDs.
NPD stands for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which has strict diagnostic criteria and is rare among the population. But it provides a name that allows people to express the pain of being dominated by “narcissists” for a long time.
Shouldn’t a person love himself?
Shouldn’t a person love himself?
What kind of narcissism is a problem?
Many psychological terms gradually deviate from their precise definitions as they become popular in popular culture.
So, we found senior psychological counselor He Liang and talked about topics related to narcissism.
He told us that people’s misunderstanding of “narcissists” is that they like themselves too much. On the contrary, they struggle with a feeling of emptiness , cannot love themselves well, and are unable to love others.
Moreover, this is not just an individual problem. Due to the combined factors of the times and family, narcissism has gradually become the psychological structure of an entire generation.
01
Narcissism is not a bad thing:
As human beings, we all need to like ourselves.
When people say “this person is narcissistic” in real life, it often has some derogatory meaning.
But the concept of narcissism itself is neutral, which means “I like myself” , and it is even slightly positive because we all need to like ourselves.
As a human being, isn’t it inconceivable that you don’t like yourself?
However, due to different growth experiences of a person, mature narcissism and immature narcissism may develop (Note: for the sake of convenience in this article, immature narcissism is uniformly referred to as “narcissistic disorder”). The term people use to express it in a derogatory sense should actually be narcissistic disorder.
However, considering the development of modern Chinese society, it is easy to confuse concepts such as narcissistic disorder and self-awareness and individuation.
I was born in 1979, which happened to be the first generation of reform and opening up. Since this generation, Chinese society has set off a trend of individual liberation, which has gradually spread from core cities to small and medium-sized cities and even rural areas.
What is emphasized here is actually the independence of human self-awareness, but modern Chinese society does not have the foundation for the development of self-awareness, so it is sometimes easily confused with narcissistic disorder.
For example, some people prefer to stay in relationships, abide by rules, and be part of a group. They may point at people who have a strong sense of self and say, “Why are you so narcissistic?” This is actually a cultural misunderstanding.
But in fact, a person with independent self-awareness may not have narcissistic disorder at all. Because the self is independent, it will have more inner strength to develop relationships and empathize with others.
People with narcissistic disorders are unable to enter into relationships. They struggle with a feeling of emptiness, unable to love themselves well, and also unable to love others.
In order to fill this void, some people will be more direct, exaggerate themselves, and think they are very awesome. We call this “shameless narcissism.”
Some people act passively, pretend to be humble, and often blame themselves, but in fact they vaguely reveal a sense of superiority. They think that I should have been better, but I am not good enough now for some reason. This is called “thin-skinned narcissism”, but the core of the two is very similar.
So narcissism itself is neither good nor bad. No matter what, when a person loves himself, it is a feeling worth protecting and cherishing.
But narcissistic disorder is an issue that deserves our attention.
02
Core Trait of Narcissistic Disorder: Hollow Heart
There is an American psychologist named Kohut. In the 1960s and 1970s, he worked as a psychological counselor at the University of Chicago. His clients were all elite college and graduate students with good social functions in all aspects.
But these young visitors present one common trait - they have a diffuse, meaningless feeling about life.
It is different from the general confusion of young people. They know what path they should take, but still feel that it is meaningless and their hearts are empty.
These people also lack deep relationships. It is a kind of “equal distance socialization”. They seem to have a good relationship with everyone, but the relationships are never deep.
Kohut later discovered that this generation was the post-war baby boomer generation in the United States. Their parents had experienced World War II and cherished the hard-won peaceful life. They tried their best to provide their children with a good education and material things, but neglected psychological attention.
If a person wants to develop relatively mature narcissism, three psychological needs must be met:
1. The need for mirroring
As a child grows up, always act like a mirror to confirm him and make him feel that he is very capable.
2. Idealized parental needs
Let the child feel that his parents are powerful and that there is someone who can support him.
If this need is not met, he will not be truly comforted in his heart. When he grows up, he will always feel that something is wrong and has to look for that thing (idealized parents) in a relationship.
Once he catches someone who is willing to satisfy him, he will try his best to hollow out the other person because his heart is empty and he doesn’t have that thing.
3. Twin needs
When a child is developing, he hopes to find someone who is like him, “You think this way, and I think this way too”, so that he can experience that he is great.
This is why we all like to make friends with people like us. It is innate and a way of loving ourselves.
These three needs in our hearts last a lifetime. People hope to see their own good through the eyes of others, which makes people feel safe. From this perspective, narcissism is also an important psychological mechanism to help you survive and adapt to the environment better.
People with narcissistic disorders are ultimately deficient in all three of these needs.
Because he doesn’t have it, he racks his brains to get it, but he doesn’t have the strength to develop a real relationship. What should he do?
I had to hide in my own fantasy world and use fantasy to make up for it. I could play with myself without relying on others. In the fantasy, I played myself to be particularly tall and mighty, because the real experience was not as omnipotent and ideal as in the fantasy.
Young people with hollow hearts due to poorly developed narcissism have also begun to appear in our country. Perhaps you are more familiar with the term “hollow heart disease” proposed by Professor Xu Kaiwen a few years ago, which actually means the same thing.
The “empty-heart syndrome” is mainly manifested in young people born in the 1990s and 2000s. During the growth of this generation, our country’s economy was developing rapidly, and material satisfaction became easier. However, the parents who were born in the 1960s and 1970s did not keep up spiritually and were unable to respond to their children’s psychological needs.
Coupled with the one-child policy, parents have very high expectations for their children. The children’s psychology may be able to develop good social functions required for economic development, but lack the nourishment to reach the depths of the spiritual world. This is very similar to the young people in European and American societies in the 1960s and 1970s.
An entire generation has this psychological structure, but this is also a problem brought about by the times and there is no way to avoid it.
03
Why do people with narcissistic disorder
Is it difficult to build good relationships?
In addition to inner emptiness, another core characteristic of narcissistic disorder is the inability to empathize with others.
He cannot experience others as different from him. As long as they are different from him, he will encounter a barrier to understanding, as if there is an invisible wall of air in front of him, trapping him.
So you can imagine that it is very difficult for such a person to deal with conflicts and differences in relationships. (Conflicts and differences) will cause him to feel ashamed of himself and feel that he is not good enough, so he will be particularly hostile to others.
We will all be aggressive when faced with conflict, but this is not an ordinary attack, it is an attack with hostility.
This is also a key indicator for us to judge narcissistic disorder, that is , whether he is particularly easy to be provoked to great hostility in the experience of relationship. As long as someone thinks differently from him, he will be provoked, feel provoked, regard the other party as an enemy, and start “fighting”.
This is also why many people on the Internet now become enemies because of different opinions.
This polarization phenomenon of group psychology, from the perspective of psychoanalysis, means that there is a need for extreme identification within the group, which is highly consistent with the psychological phenomenon of narcissism.
But for people with relatively mature narcissism, they can understand and accept this difference————
I do disagree with you, but that doesn’t affect me.
I can treat you as an ordinary person like me. You have your ideas and I have mine.
Of course, the severity of narcissistic disorder varies from mild to severe. Most people we meet in life belong to mild to moderate narcissistic disorder. These people cannot accept that others are different from themselves, but they can see others as human beings and have compassion. Although the superego is weak, it can still function and the basic functions are there.
If it’s more serious, it might be antisocial personality disorder. These people really don’t treat others as human beings, so most of them are in prison.
04
Dealing with People with Narcissistic Disorder
Guarding the border comes first
How to get along with people with narcissistic disorder? The most important thing is to maintain your own boundaries.
The hearts of these people are like black holes, they will suck in anything they grab. Don’t expect that you can heal them like a professional psychologist, it’s impossible.
Even if keeping the boundary makes the other person suffer, this pain is also what he needs to bear. He will feel uncomfortable because he cannot deprive you of something. We call this “self-disharmony” in the professional field. Only when the discomfort accumulates will you seek professional help.
Return the pain to those who cause it. It is impossible for people to have the motivation to change without pain.
The same is true in psychological counseling. The rule settings are boundaries. Some clients with narcissistic disorders may challenge these settings. At this time, as a counselor, you must guard (the boundaries).
What kinds of people do people with narcissistic disorder typically form relationships with?
1. Those who have a tendency to be “masochistic”
People with “masochistic” tendencies, deep down, need someone to constantly frustrate them. Such a relationship can last for a relatively long time, and the psychological patterns of both parties are matching.
2. Another situation is when two NPDs meet
However, this kind of relationship will not last long and can easily break down.
Usually one party projects the other party into the “perfect mother” in their mind, hoping that the other party can meet all their needs. But the other party will think, “I am so good, why don’t you come to affirm me, why are you dissatisfied with me?”
Both of them are trying to “attract” each other, and it is impossible to develop a lasting, quality relationship. Therefore, when NPD meets NPD, separation must be the last choice.
(Note: NPD is pathological and has strict diagnostic criteria. Narcissistic disorder varies in severity and is not completely equivalent to NPD. NPD here is a synonym.)
Why have people started to pay attention to the issue of narcissism in relationships in recent years? In fact, relationships are a bit difficult for contemporary people, which is also a highlight of a modern problem.
In the past, society had something structural to support you, such as villages and clans. Confucianism has many rules for dealing with interpersonal relationships, and everyone agrees on them. A person’s interpersonal network will not change much throughout his life, so he will not feel too lonely and he does not have to think about how to build relationships with people every day.
It is different in modern times. People in each city are like isolated islands. You are thrown into a sea full of isolated islands from the moment you are born.
You have to do a lot of work to connect the isolated islands, and there is no stable value system to support you.
In this context, people’s psychological structure is also likely to appear poor, not full and abundant. Because they are used to being isolated, they are unable to build a bridge to connect with each other.
05
The feeling of “narcissism”
It will wear out in daily life
In fact, it is not just people who suffer from narcissistic disorder, or the more serious NPD. Most people’s good feelings about themselves (that is narcissism) will be worn down in their daily lives.
Everyone has bad feelings, and if you compare your mind to a car, then this is like a bump. It’s okay to bump once or twice, but if you bump too many times, the risk factor starts to rise.
Therefore, our minds need maintenance. We don’t have to wait until we have used them too much before doing so. If conditions permit, we can actually do the maintenance every once in a while.
For example, you can listen to music, travel, practice Tai Chi, or do mindfulness. You can adjust your body to support your mind. All of these are fine and are a form of maintenance.
One of the more unique maintenance methods is psychological counseling. The uniqueness lies in that it involves relationships and can more directly target the bad feelings that arise in some interpersonal relationships.
Many people think that psychological counseling is only done when there is a real problem. In fact, this makes a person’s mind pathological. The mind and body, like everything else in this world, need to be repaired after a long time of use, just like a car needs regular maintenance, and so does the human mind.
In the past, people were more concerned about survival and ignored their emotions and feelings. But the maintenance of the soul has always been an important thing in life. It may not be urgent, but it is extremely important.
