Recently I saw a set of data, a survey conducted by sexologist Pan Suiming in 2000 showed:
Among married people, more than 28.7% of couples have sex less than once a month. Data from 2020 also showed that 19.9% of Chinese couples have sex less than once a month.
Not only in China, the lack of sex in marriage has become a topic of widespread concern around the world.
A 2018 US study found that 15% of married people had not had sex in the past year [1] ; in a 2017 survey in Japan, 47.2% of couples were in sexless marriages.
The increase in sexless marriages reflects the complexity and diversity of marital relationships in modern society.
In the popular variety show 《Goodbye, Love》 a while ago, a guest publicly revealed that he had “no sex life for three years” in his marriage, which made the once unspeakable “secret” of sexless marriage enter the public eye again, and also made people curious:
What happens when a marriage becomes sexless?
01
There are four types of sexless marriages
Whether it hurts the relationship depends on one thing
There are different definitions of what constitutes a sexless marriage:
- Some researchers believe that a year of lack of sexual intimacy is a sexless marriage;
- Another definition is that if there is less than 10 sexual intercourses in a year, it is a sexless marriage.
Sexless marriages can be divided into four types based on the causes of their formation:
1. Definition of inconsistent type:
Couples have different definitions of “sex”. For example, some people think that only penetration is considered sex, while their partners think that hugging and kissing are manifestations of sexual intimacy.
2. Lack of intimacy:
Lack of overall intimacy between spouses, including emotional and physical intimacy. In this case, spouses may view each other as friends, roommates, or “sidekicks” rather than as loving and caring spouses.
3. Sexual desire deficiency (inconsistency) type:
Lack of interest or desire for sex in one or both partners. This may be caused by physical, psychological or social factors.
4. Poor quality of sex life:
Although couples have sex, the quality of their sex life is poor, lacking passion and freshness, and even becoming mechanical and boring.
Although relevant research has various definitions of the status of sex life between couples, how important sex is in a relationship and how much sex is considered normal depends entirely on the couple.
The problem with a sexless marriage is not the lack of sex, but the inconsistency of the two people’s sexual needs. If both parties in a sexless marriage are satisfied with the frequency of sex, even once a year is fine.
In other words, whether the couple can reach a consensus on the quantity and form of sexual life is the real issue that determines the quality of the relationship, not the quantity of sexual life itself.
If both parties agree on the state of a sexless marriage, it will not be a major hidden danger that destroys the relationship.
But if one or both partners feel frustrated or hurt by the lack of sex and the other partner is unable to reciprocate, it can have negative physical and psychological effects on the partners and increase the risk of marital instability.
02
Some negative physical and mental symptoms that are not paid attention to
May come from a sexless marriage
Sexual life is not only an important part of an intimate marriage, but also has a greater impact on the physical and psychological state of both parties than we imagine.
The impact of lack of sexual life on physiological status
- Lack of sex life may lead to more health risks
Studies have shown that regular, moderate sexual activity can increase levels of immunoglobulin A (IgA) , which helps to strengthen immunity. A study in the American Journal of Medicine also found that heart attack survivors who had sex more than once a week were 27% less likely to die in the following 20 years compared to those who did not have sex at all.
- Proper sex life is very important for regulating hormone levels
After sex, your body releases oxytocin and endorphins, two chemicals that help you relax and sleep better.
Sexual activity also regulates mood through its effects on hormones and is an effective stress management tool:
It reduces stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, which relieves stress and lasts until the next day. However , sexual dissatisfaction increases the difficulty of regulating emotions and may make it more likely for people to become irritable and aggressive.
The impact of lack of sex life on psychological state
Michelle Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage, explains why a lack of sex in a marriage can be a major problem:
The importance of sex in marriage lies in the emotional significance it carries————it’s about feeling wanted, loved, appreciated, and connected.
If one spouse desires intimacy and the other refuses, it can easily cause psychological frustration to the other.
In one survey, participants reported a range of reactions to the lack of sex in their relationships that were almost universally negative, including frustration, depression, feelings of rejection, and low self-esteem.
If these feelings are not communicated and resolved in a timely manner, they will further increase the individual’s psychological burden.
For example, the rejected partner may doubt his or her sexual attractiveness, or even feel ashamed, thinking that there is something wrong with his or her body, or that his or her partner no longer loves him or her. These self-denials and misunderstandings of the partner will gradually erode the individual’s self-esteem and self-confidence, and widen the gap between the two parties.
In addition, couples in sexless marriages may also have to endure prejudice and misunderstanding from society.
In traditional concepts, sex life is regarded as an important part of marriage, and a marriage without sex life is often considered incomplete, unhappy, and even immoral. This lack of social recognition can also make couples feel inferior and lonely, further exacerbating psychological pressure.
03
Asexuality
Why does the foundation of marriage become loose?
Sexual behavior itself is a way of emotional communication, which can enhance the intimacy and sense of belonging between partners. The state of asexuality may have a negative impact on the relationship between couples in the following aspects:
① Lower ability to resolve conflict in relationships
Sex can make a significant contribution to the quality of a couple’s relationship because it helps buffer daily stress, thereby enhancing a couple’s sense of well-being. Sexually satisfied married couples tend to have better conflict resolution skills, [7] are more tolerant, and are more securely attached to each other.
In contrast, couples in sexless marriages lack the “lubrication” of sex in resolving conflicts, and they also have to deal with the conflicts caused by the lack of sex, further exacerbating the tension in the relationship.
② Causes loss of intimacy
Studies have shown that in long-term romantic relationships, higher levels of sexual desire lead to greater intimacy. In addition to sexual intercourse itself, other forms of intimate interaction, such as deep conversation, touching, holding hands, and kissing, also play an important role in maintaining a marriage.
When sex doesn’t occur frequently, these other forms of intimacy may also decrease, leaving both partners feeling disconnected and emotionally distant, further weakening the connection between couples and making the marriage fragile.
③ Increase the instability of marriage
Sex in a monogamous relationship increases commitment and emotional connection, and sex is positively correlated with lower divorce rates.
Marriage and family therapist Estes points out that when one partner still desires sex, the lack of sex may become a potential factor leading to infidelity, or trigger suspicion and distrust in the partner, further shaking the stability of the marriage.
————Seeing this, there is no need to be discouraged even if the impact of the sexless state on both partners and the relationship is mostly negative.
We would like to emphasize again that compared to the lack of sexual quantity, the poor quality of communication and the fact that sexual needs are not seen and taken seriously are the risk factors that pose a greater threat to marriage.
In addition, although the lack of sex is a fatal problem in marriage in the popular imagination, in fact, not everyone will choose to end their marriage because of asexuality:
In one survey, 47% of participants chose to stay in a sex-deficient relationship because they felt that despite the lack of sex, they still had a desirable partner and the relationship was still positive overall.
Fortunately, the lack of sex in marriage is not permanent and unsolvable. Couples who are willing to make positive efforts and changes can still achieve a higher level of sexual harmony while accepting their physiological limitations.
Good Enough Sex (GES) “Good Enough Sex” is an idea worth trying.
GES is an important concept in the field of sexual psychology and sexual therapy. Its core is to help couples enjoy each other’s intimacy more easily by reducing excessive expectations of “perfect sexual behavior”. It regards sex as a process of mutual exploration rather than a task that must achieve a certain result.
In practice, you can try:
- Adjust your expectations: Accept occasional “failures” such as poor performance or a bad experience.
- Create open communication: Discuss each other’s needs, preferences, and concerns with your partner.
- Establish healthy sexual concepts: Understand that sex is diverse and is not limited to traditional sexual behaviors, but also includes intimate behaviors such as kissing and touching.
- Accept the reality of physical and psychological changes: As you age or your health changes, you may need to adapt to new ways of doing things.
As long as both husband and wife have the same desire to get closer to each other and maintain communication, the marriage can still function healthily based on mutual appreciation, trust, and dependence, and unlock your own unique way of expressing love and intimacy and find a rhythm that suits you.
above.