Have you ever had such an experience?
When I was a child, my parents didn’t allow me to eat snacks, but I ate them desperately when I grew up;
When I was a child, I didn’t allow me to buy toys, but I collected them crazily when I grew up;
When I was a child, I didn’t have new clothes to wear, but I bought clothes every day when I grew up;
When I was a child, I “lacked love” at home, but I desperately gave or demanded love in relationships when I grew up…
Those things we wanted but couldn’t get in childhood seem to have become our lifelong obsession.
So, when we grow up and become independent, we will generously “treat” our younger selves.
In psychology, this behavior is called childhood retaliatory compensation:
If a person’s inner needs are ignored and suppressed for a long time when he is a child, he may suffer psychological trauma.
When you grow up, you will try every possible way to make up for the loss of your childhood and fill the lack in your heart.”
Today, we want to talk to you about: Childhood retaliatory compensatory behavior.
Let us go back to our childhood, hug our helpless selves, and then love ourselves in a better way.
01
Why does it appear?
”Childhood retaliatory compensatory behavior”?
The famous psychologist Freud said:
People spend their entire lives making up for the loss of their childhood.
From a psychological perspective, childhood retaliatory compensatory behavior refers to the behavior of adults to compensate for and balance the negative experiences such as injustice, repression, and restrictions experienced in childhood.
It usually manifests itself as excessive and disproportionate behaviors, such as dominance, pursuit of perfection, attracting attention, and rebellion.
So why do adults exhibit this compensatory behavior?
In German Gestalt psychology, there is a term called unfinished business , which means unresolved problems and unmet needs.
When we have regrets about something or some emotions are not fully experienced, these “unfinished events” will remain in our subconscious and will be unconsciously brought into our future lives.
For example, my classmate Xiao A has always wanted to learn piano since she became an adult. She has even dreamed of herself playing the piano countless times.
But Xiao A has been learning cello for many years and has no time to learn another new instrument.
Little A never knew why she suddenly liked piano when she grew up. Until one day, she accidentally talked about it with her mother, and then she remembered that she wanted to learn piano when she was a child, but her father forced her to learn cello because he liked cello more.
So, those things we wanted but couldn’t get in our youth, we thought we had long forgotten, but in fact, they have already penetrated deep into our bones.
Whenever we do something to make up for our childhood self, we always feel a sense of pleasure in our hearts, as if we can fill the gaps in our childhood and satisfy our hearts.
Behind retaliatory compensation is an emotional response, rational reflection and action attempt. This psychological phenomenon usually involves two elements: passive experience and active response.
During childhood, individuals are often victimized in various forms, including parental absence, unreasonable expectations, neglect, and excessive expectations.
If these negative emotions are not dealt with promptly, they may build up later, eventually leading to emotional outbursts and overreactions.
As a result, later in life, these individuals may respond to past experiences with overly intense and extreme behaviors in order to achieve psychological balance.
The compensation psychology is itself a kind of “defense mechanism”, which is a self-protection mechanism adopted by people when facing psychological insecurity, discomfort or unpleasant situations.
It aims to relieve stress and anxiety by finding new ways and means to eliminate the negative effects caused by original psychological deficiencies or trauma.
Simply put, we try desperately to make up for past shortcomings just to make ourselves feel at ease and feel better.
Generally speaking, childhood retaliatory compensation can be divided into the following three types:
1. Material retaliation and compensation
Some people were unable to obtain certain things when they were young due to family conditions, parental restrictions, etc. When they grow up, these people may use material revenge to compensate and satisfy their needs and desires.
This form of compensation may manifest itself in excessive purchases of items or the pursuit of luxury brands, or it may be the constant pursuit of higher social status and wealth.
2. Social revenge compensation
People who lacked adequate friendships, intimacy, and social support in childhood may try to compensate for this in adulthood through a large number of social activities designed to make friends.
This form of compensation may manifest itself in frequent socializing, attending various parties, or frequently taking the initiative to contact friends.
3. Retaliation compensation in action
Children who are strictly controlled in their childhood may lack autonomy and therefore strongly pursue a free and open lifestyle in adulthood.
For example, if your parents did not allow you to play games when you were a child, you will play them desperately when you grow up; if your parents were strict with you when you were a child, and you value every minute and second, when you grow up, you will waste time wantonly and stay up late as a revenge.
At the same time, children who are subject to many restrictions in their childhood may also show some desire for control in their future family and intimate relationships, trying to gain some satisfaction and sense of control by controlling others.
The sad thing is that the things we didn’t get in our childhood become an obsession rooted in our hearts. When we grow up, we try hard to satisfy ourselves just to heal our childhood trauma.
02
Why We Compensate Ourselves
Still unhappy?
I have a friend whose family conditions were not very good when she was a child. Her parents favored boys over girls and always treated her harshly.
She once said that her childhood was dark, she often didn’t have enough food, and the clothes she wore were always leftovers from her relatives’ children.
Fortunately, she was admitted to university and left the small mountain village completely. After graduation, she had outstanding abilities, a well-paid job, and a glamorous appearance.
But her childhood experiences have always influenced her. As soon as she receives her salary every month, she starts shopping like crazy. When she sees beautiful or cute things, she will place an order immediately, even if she has no use for them at all.
Her house is filled with all kinds of food, drinks, clothes and daily necessities, some of which have never been unpacked even after their expiration dates.
Shopping expenses have affected her normal life, but she can’t control herself.
In fact, every time she spent money, she would feel distressed about it and went to the psychological counseling room many times to seek solutions.
Properly compensating for childhood is a way to love yourself and heal yourself, but overcompensating in order to heal past pain may also bring about new pain and even cause greater harm to yourself.
For most people, when they engage in revengeful compensation for their childhood, the pleasure in their hearts flashes by, but the emotions that follow are emptiness and helplessness.
This is because what we experience in childhood is not just material deprivation, but a deeper level of emotional deprivation.
What we are looking for but never get is “love”.
So what we cannot let go of as adults is never that specific thing, but the self who made demands in childhood but whose needs were never met or valued, the self who was not loved.
In the movie 《The Life of Matsuko》,
The heroine Matsuko was neglected by her father since childhood, which led to her lack of love in her heart. Even though she tried her best to please her father every day as a child, she still did not get much attention.
When she grew up, she couldn’t let go of the pain of her childhood and began to compensate for her lack of love through “revengeful love”. She has been constantly asking for love from the outside world, and she believes that she can’t live without the love of others.
For this reason, Matsuko placed all the chips of her life on others, falling in love with people who did not love her again and again, and finally being hurt all over.
She seemed to be constantly “compensating” herself, but she never realized that what she lacked most in her heart was the ability to love herself correctly.
When we were children, we were small and helpless, and we had to rely on adults for everything. If we could not grow up in a safe and healthy environment,
Then when we grow up, we may suffer from negative effects such as insecurity and low self-worth due to lack of love.
These negative impacts are difficult and heavy for everyone.
Because we can’t get it when we need it, even if we try hard to get it when we grow up, it will have changed.
03
Only by learning to love yourself can you reconcile with the past
Lucky people always like to reminisce about their childhood, while those who had an unhappy childhood feel that they have finally escaped from the nightmare and sincerely sigh: “It’s great to grow up.”
Making up for the shortcomings of childhood is a lesson that most people have to learn throughout their lives. If we can try our best to reconcile with our childhood, we may be able to usher in a new life.
The famous psychologist Dr. Egger told us:
The basis of freedom is the power of choice.
The key to getting out of trouble lies in the attitude and the way we respond to what we encounter.
So, what can we do?
1. Understand and accept your inner needs
If you are a person with “childhood trauma”, then I want to give you a big hug first:
Grow up well and love yourself as much as you can, and you will be great.
Therefore, please understand and accept your own need for compensation and behavior, and don’t feel overly guilty about it.
When you were a child, you longed for something but couldn’t get it. Now that you grow up and have the ability, you can certainly satisfy yourself. You don’t need to live your life with too many regrets.
2. Explore the psychological deficiencies behind compensatory behavior
But if you find that behaviors such as overspending, overeating, staying up late, and over-giving in relationships do not make you happier, but more miserable, you might as well ask yourself:
What do you really need in your heart? Is it those external materials?
Or is it the regret of not being valued, not being loved, and not being accepted?
Is there a better way to love yourself?
Otherwise, no matter how much you do, you can’t fill the black hole in your heart.
3. Balance the relationship between the past, present and future
If you find that what you really care about is not those material things, but the experience of being neglected emotions and lack of love.
You need to recognize one fact————
You are already an adult. You don’t have to be like a child and listen to your parents and elders in everything. You can live on your own and be responsible for your own life.
Only by bravely saying goodbye to your past self can you have the opportunity to embrace the future.
You can find a suitable time to hold a farewell ceremony with your childhood self.
For example, go to an amusement park that you wanted to go to as a child but never could, and play there from morning till night;
Go back to the canteen at the entrance of the elementary school and eat all the snacks that I wanted to eat but didn’t have the money to buy;
Go meet a good childhood friend, reminisce about the past with him/her, and say goodbye to your past self together;
Write a letter to your past self, telling yourself to start a new life…
Accept what happened in the past and move on from it.
We need to balance the relationship between the past, present and future. We should not sacrifice our present life to make up for the pain of the past, nor ignore future development because of the pain of the past.
4. Improve your sense of self-worth and put yourself first
Love is the best medicine to heal childhood trauma. Even though we cannot ask others to love us, we can choose to love ourselves.
Only if you change your consciousness and believe that you deserve happiness and beauty, will you have the opportunity to get it all.
Then, slowly try to rebuild your sense of self-worth.
You can develop a habit of continuous learning by reading, traveling, experiencing new things, etc. Start by completing small things to increase your confidence and satisfaction.
You must believe that you have the ability to change your life . This is not blind self-confidence, but setting goals within your reach and making plans to work towards them.
Only by focusing our attention on ourselves and constantly improving our self-worth can we understand ourselves better and see more possibilities in life.
Always remember:
Make yourself a priority and take good care of your body and your feelings.
Without hurting others, do everything that makes you happy and live according to your own wishes.
Life has given us a lot of problems, so we must learn to let go of ourselves. Although we cannot change the past, we must face the future with a better attitude.
More importantly, we can learn from past misfortunes:
Don’t always be the one who gets hurt the most and suffers the most.
04
Final Thoughts
If one day I could go back to the past and meet my childhood self, I would definitely hug her and comfort her:
It doesn’t matter. One day you will grow up and you will be able to love yourself well.
However, we cannot go back to the past, so we should always embrace our present selves and tell ourselves:
Don’t hesitate and don’t be afraid.
Even if our childhood was not happy, we can still learn to treat our inner child gently.
One day you will find that there is someone who loves you silently behind your back.
The world and I love you.
