Have you noticed that more and more people are marking whether they accept or not accept “situationship” on dating apps?
Situationship is a new type of love emerging among young people, referring to a romantic relationship without an exclusive commitment or clear label.
There may be affection, sex, and time spent together————but overall, they only talk about love, not the future.
Xiao Ye and Dr. Hu in the movie 《Good Things》 are a kind of situationship. They exchange emotions and childhood traumas and have sex, but do not interfere with each other’s daily lives, and do not know much about identity and whether they have other partners.
If we compare the difference between situationship and open relationship and Friends with Benefits (FWB):
In an open relationship, the partners agree to have romantic/sexual relationships with other people while maintaining their core relationship, and establish clear boundaries and rules about how third parties can participate in the relationship (whereas situationship may be vague about this).
In FWB, people engage in sexual activity without any romantic commitment. There is friendship between them, but the relationship is primarily physical (whereas a situationship may involve romance or sex, but is indefinite).
As time went by, conflicts arose: Xiao Ye wanted to develop further, while Dr. Hu only wanted to maintain the situationship. In order not to be humble in this relationship, Xiao Ye fabricated a false identity for herself: a lesbian mother with children. But her inner state was on the verge of breaking.
Obviously, like most atypical relationships, situationship people need their own guide to action.
Today we would like to discuss with you, why situationship is popular?
01
Why do people need a loose and vague romantic relationship?
The few semi-structured interviews summarized people’s motivations for entering the situationship.
1. Want to explore relationships in a less restrictive way
Judging from the characteristics of the mental development stage, it makes sense that young people want to enter a situationship.
Some researchers consider the age of 18-35 to be “emerging adulthood.” This is a period of natural hesitation about “full commitment.” It is characterized by identity exploration, self-focus, and a sense of “being halfway through.”
They want to explore who they are, what their preferences and desires are. They want more freedom because they don’t want to “just find someone to settle down with when they get older”.
2. They want to be open to romantic relationships while focusing more on personal growth (Furman & Weisz, 2004)
Situationship sounds relatively relaxed, without so many rules and regulations. You both retain your own space, and it seems that you can be both intimate and independent.
If you have the urge to get closer, you can deepen the relationship. If it is not suitable, you can also stop and retreat gracefully. It is equivalent to building a safe fortress for yourself that you can attack or defend (whether it will be successful or not will be discussed later, but it is not against the law if you think about it).
3. “Limited work” in a relationship can reduce the pressure of being expected
In every relationship there is a contract, whether it is explicit, implicit, or passed down from social culture.
For example:
- After 5 dates, it’s time to make it clear whether you want to be in a formal relationship;
- We have been dating for 2 years but we haven’t gotten married yet. Is the other person a scumbag?
- She is supposed to help me match my clothes and improve my fashion sense;
- I changed the garbage bag, so he should take out the garbage on his own initiative;
- …
Sometimes these contracts are too numerous, too complex, or never expressed out loud, which can lead to arguments between partners.
Situationship simply removes these parts. Instead of expecting perfection in every aspect, it is better to agree on “limited work” from the beginning.
4. Want to explore sex casually without any emotional involvement
Some people also admit that they enter into a situationship just for fun because it allows for the separation of sex.
One 25-year-old respondent said: “For me, situationships have no limits or constraints. I do it for pleasure (but I’m not the only one who thinks this way) . Many people do it just to explore sexual needs without worrying about attachment issues or forming an emotional bond.”
02
What happened to those who entered the situationship?
More than half of Generation Z dating app users admit to having been in some kind of situationship, but a staggering 80% are dissatisfied with the relationship, anxious about whether to continue the relationship and having persistent doubts about their self-worth.
The truth is, not only are people worse at loving than they think, they also know very little about what they really want.
1. In the context of the relationship, many participants reported that the other party suddenly “disappeared”
Research has found that 70% of women who enter a situationship seek further commitment.
But unlike the predictable progression of traditional romantic relationships, the ambiguity of a situationship can often drag on indefinitely. According to interviews, the average duration of a situationship is six months (or longer), suggesting that people are less willing to “deepen” their relationships than they might think.
The so-called situation has changed, and the relationship is gone. When one party increases its dependence on the relationship, the other party often disappears suddenly without any explanation (George, 2024).
2. Some people find that they have a possessive desire but find it difficult to leave
Many participants are not satisfied with situationship, but desire highly committed love.
In face-to-face interactions, your partners may act like stereotypical boyfriend/girlfriend, but in other ways you live completely separate lives. When your partner never discusses the future in some “communal” way (e.g., career choices, moving, having children) , your desire to move forward can be suppressed.
A 25-year-old woman said:
This relationship was terrible and he didn’t care about my feelings at all. I was a very anxious person and felt confused, angry and sad in the situationship. I doubted whether I was attractive or not. But I didn’t have the courage to end the relationship. This also made me upset at work.
3. When ambiguity persists, it can lead to suspicion and doubt
Confusion, chaos, and uncertainty were the most common emotional experiences reported by participants (Pushkar, 2023).
Is the other person taking advantage of me? Have my feelings changed? Without much communication, neither party may want to face their true feelings.
This is understandable. If people label situationship as “cool”, you can’t be “uncool” when you are in it. It may be difficult to admit that you are dependent because it makes you look dependent.
One respondent said:
We have a close relationship, at least that’s what I feel. I get affected when he talks to other girls, and he says it’s nothing. But when I talk to other boys, he gets angry. He is very possessive of me and is not ready to make a formal commitment. I suspect he has been looking for a more suitable girl and I am just a backup.
03
After considering these three questions, try situationship
1. Do you understand each other’s true needs and feelings?
A core problem that may arise in Situationship is that the motivation for entering into a relationship is misaligned with actual needs.
On the one hand, some participants said that they entered into a situationship because the relationship seemed less stressful and they could quit at any time. But if the other person is someone who wants to find a long-term partner through a situationship, their needs are misplaced.
On the other hand, people will “play it cool” and underestimate their dependence on others. Interviews found that most people who enter situationships invest emotionally and physically even if they are not in a committed relationship (Langlais et al., 2024).
Some people have an attachment system that is deeply tied to sensory communication. For example, people with demisexuality can only feel physical attraction to someone after they have formed a close emotional bond. For these people, sex and love are almost impossible to separate.
So, do you really know what you want? Do you know yourself well enough and have the emotional intelligence to navigate your needs and boundaries?
2. Do you have unprocessed attachment trauma?
There is a post analyzing Xiaoye’s statement that “people who lack love should not enter into a situationship.” It is believed that insecurely attached people are more likely to be insecure when they enter into a relationship without commitment and future.
This concern is justified.
Attachment style does affect how a person views intimacy and sexual behavior (Reis & Aron, 2008)👇
▨ Securely attached people are usually able to balance intimacy and independence in relationships. They communicate openly, express their needs, and respect others’ boundaries. This allows them to build strong, supportive relationships without losing their sense of self.
▨ Anxious attachment: They desire intimacy with others and are afraid of being abandoned, so they always try to gain a sense of security through clinging, possession, and control. If the other person violates their expectations or feels that the other person does not pay enough attention to them, they will feel angry and anxious. They may gain the other person’s love through “negative sexual behavior” (for example, starting sexual intercourse too early and frequently condoning unwanted sexual behavior).
▨ Avoidant attachment: often suppress their need for intimacy, showing a sense of avoidance and alienation. They have a high demand for private space, and getting closer to others will make them fear being controlled. Studies have found that avoidant attachment people are more likely to have “short-term sex” with others and try to avoid sex with regular partners - this may be to maintain an emotional distance in the relationship.
▨ Fearful attachment: They vacillate between highly anxious and highly avoidant traits, wanting to get close to each other on the one hand, but fearing getting too close to each other on the other. Not only do they have a low opinion of themselves, they also have difficulty trusting others. A study that tracked 600 people for nearly 40 years found that “fearful attachment” can predict a higher number of sexual partners in a person’s lifetime, as well as greater sexual compliance (i.e., compliance with a partner’s sexual desires) . This is true for both men and women (Favez et al., 2019). Because they desire love but are afraid of intimacy, and casual sexual relationships can put them in this situation.
Having said that, we recommend that you do not take the above content personally (because adult attachment style requires interviews and assessments by professionals. In other words, what you think may not be right ) . And attachment style is not static. Psychological labels may help you understand yourself, but they may also narrow your cognition and limit your change and development.
The important thing is, are you aware of your attachment style?
In a situationship, you are both interested in each other but also reserved, with the intention to get closer but also sending signals of alienation at certain levels. If both parties do not fully communicate boundaries and expectations, this uncertain relationship can easily create a “chase-and-escape dynamic” (Becker-Phelps, 2014).
So, situationship actually requires thorough and honest communication. But if you think about it, isn’t this a skill required for most real intimate relationships?
3. Are you able to recognize when feelings of exploitation begin to emerge in a relationship?
An inadequately communicated situation can be harmful due to its ambiguity.
For example:
▨ When you are cherished at one moment and ignored at another; when the other person is warm at one moment and cold at another, you may feel manipulated and begin to doubt yourself. This is not a new type of relationship, but a kind of emotional exploitation called “intermittent reinforcement”.
▨ In a trauma bond, you may fall in love with your abuser and become emotionally attached to him or her. Some of his or her behaviors confuse you, but you find it difficult to leave.
There may be no standard answer to the question of “how to love”, but never ignore your feelings in order to maintain a “relationship”.
In a relationship like a situationship, the less there are fixed frameworks and rules, the more important it is to maintain communication and self-awareness about boundaries with your partner.
For example: expectations of the relationship, what is acceptable and what is unacceptable, whether our feelings towards each other have changed; what I needed in the past and what I need now, whether my feelings have changed, and how I feel.
If you are ready, then give it a try. Love is a game for the brave.
